McSweeney’s: Lewis & Clark Humor

Here. An excerpt from “Manifest Destiny Wagon pool” by Jimmy Chen:

Capt. William Clark,

First off, thank you for being so kind—we’re all very excited about the Westward Expansion and most grateful that you’re offering transportation. Being unable to simply disappear and rematerialize somewhere in Oregon (despite being ordained by God to expand the country), I have the honor of asking you for a ride.

A bearer of burden I must be: I noticed from the bulletin that you will be leaving on Wednesday. This presents somewhat of a logistical problem for me, as I’m having a tapeworm removed the day before and doubt I’ll be recovered sufficiently for the journey until Thursday at the earliest. Also, my psychiatrist wants to go over a few key points with me about stresses the journey may present. (I’m suicidal, but just technically.)

Sincerely, Capt. Meriwether Lewis