McSweeney’s: Supreme Court Can’t Agree on Lunch

Here.

It is therefore with great solemnity that we hand down the majority opinion in the case of Domino’s v. That One Greek Place Over on N Street.

There are meritorious arguments for both proposals. Pizza, as some members of the Court have contended, is a lunch cuisine with deep foundations in the history of the United States Supreme Court’s break room kitchenette. Further, our unanimous opinion in Domino’s v. Sbarro, 540 U.S. 891 (2003), stands for the proposition that Domino’s never skimps on the toppings, and that their Cinna Stix are pretty good too, especially if you eat them when they’re still warm.

While those Justices in favor of that Greek joint have argued that Gyros are, in many respects, way tastier than pizza (see Scalia, J., dissenting, infra), they have failed to cite to any relevant Federal Statutes or Law Review articles for support. As another matter, the Court isn’t even sure whether the Greek place will deliver all the way to the Supreme Court Building—and Breyer is the only Justice with a car, and he doesn’t really feel like driving.

McSweeney’s: Lewis & Clark Humor

Here. An excerpt from “Manifest Destiny Wagon pool” by Jimmy Chen:

Capt. William Clark,

First off, thank you for being so kind—we’re all very excited about the Westward Expansion and most grateful that you’re offering transportation. Being unable to simply disappear and rematerialize somewhere in Oregon (despite being ordained by God to expand the country), I have the honor of asking you for a ride.

A bearer of burden I must be: I noticed from the bulletin that you will be leaving on Wednesday. This presents somewhat of a logistical problem for me, as I’m having a tapeworm removed the day before and doubt I’ll be recovered sufficiently for the journey until Thursday at the earliest. Also, my psychiatrist wants to go over a few key points with me about stresses the journey may present. (I’m suicidal, but just technically.)

Sincerely, Capt. Meriwether Lewis