The Onion – Page 2 – Turtle Talk

An excerpt:

WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday overturned Right v. Wrong.

The landmark reversal—a bitterly contested 5-4 decision that has been widely praised by murderers, rapists, bigots, usurers, and pro-wrong advocates nationwide—nullifies all previously lawful forms of right and makes it very difficult for Americans to make ethical decisions or be generally decent human beings without facing criminal charges.

“It is the opinion of this court that the Constitution was crafted in such a manner as to uphold and encourage practices that are not right and, ideally, are very wrong,” Justice Antonin Scalia wrote for the majority, which also included Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Anthony Kennedy, and John Roberts. “Despite the compelling case for goodness, truth, and justice made by our predecessors in the case of Right v. Wrong, we firmly believe that malice, dishonesty, and injustice were the framers’ original intent.”

Onion: Interior Employee Caught Embezzling 50,000 Wolves

January 4, 2010Matthew L.M. Fletcher2 Comments

From the Onion:

BILLINGS, MT—In what is being called the largest wildlife embezzlement scheme in more than 40 years, Department of Interior employee Stephen Kendrick, 48, was caught Monday diverting large sums of wolves from Yellowstone National Park into an offshore Cayman Islands reserve. “We initially became suspicious when we noticed an unusually large surplus of elk this year,” said Jon Jarvis, director of the National Park Service. “After a closer look, it was clear someone was skimming wolves off the top. We should have known. On his salary there was no way he could have that many wolves.” This is the largest wildlife misappropriation in the United States since 1968, when the FBI closed down several Chicago pet stores that had illegally obtained more than 300,000 cottontail rabbits in the nation’s biggest-ever bunny laundering scam.

Onion: Cherokee Nation Makes Headlines as Fraction of Actress’s Bloodline

November 3, 2009Matthew L.M. Fletcher

From the Onion:

CHICAGO—The proud and ancient Cherokee Nation was thrust into the spotlight during a taping of The Oprah Winfrey Show this week, taking center stage as one-eighth of actress Cameron Diaz’s ancestry. “How exotic,” Ms. Winfrey commented on the What Happens In Vegas costar’s heritage, briefly calling attention to the Cherokee people and their millennia of vibrant culture and tradition. “Tell us what it’s like working with Mike Myers.” The instance marked the highest-profile mention of the tribe since 1838, when thousands of Cherokee men, women, and children were forcibly rounded up and marched 1,000 miles to what is now known as Oklahoma.

Onion: Fifth Grade Science Paper Doesn’t Stand Up to Peer Review

May 16, 2009Matthew L.M. Fletcher

From the Onion:

DECATUR, IL—A three-member panel of 10-year-old Michael Nogroski’s fellow classmates at Nathaniel Macon Elementary School unanimously agreed Tuesday that his 327-word essay “Otters” did not meet the requirements for peer approval.

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Fifth-grade panel members express disapproval of Nogroski’s paper (below).

Nogroski presented his results before the entire fifth-grade science community Monday, in partial fulfillment of his seventh-period research project. According to the review panel, which convened in the lunchroom Tuesday, “Otters” was fundamentally flawed by Nogroski’s failure to identify a significant research gap.

“When Mike said, ‘Otters,’ I almost puked,” said 11-year-old peer examiner Lacey Swain, taking the lettuce out of her sandwich. “Why would you want to spend a whole page talking about otters?”

“It’s probably only the dumbest topic in the history of the entire world,” 10-year-old Duane LaMott added.

Members of the three-person panel had many concerns about Nogroski’s work, foremost among them their belief that the fifth-grader did not substantiate his thesis. Two panel members even suggested that Nogroski’s thesis was erroneous.

“Otters are not interesting!” 10-year-old peer examiner Jonathan Glass said.

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Onion: Year of Law School Now Mandatory for 25 Year Olds

March 15, 2009Matthew L.M. Fletcher

From the Onion:

WASHINGTON—Under the provisions of a bill approved by Congress and signed into law Tuesday, every 25-year-old American, regardless of prior life commitments, is now legally obligated to enroll in a full year of study at one of the nation’s accredited law schools. “This new measure gives us the means to compel 25-year-olds to simultaneously placate their parents, impress their friends with complex-sounding legal jargon, and effectively avoid any real-world responsibilities for another full year,” said Rep. Steve Buyer (R-IN). “We can think of no better way for our young people to squander their postcollegiate aimlessness.” Congress is reportedly seeking further legislation that would provide for an additional nine months of grumbling over LSAT prep, and up to five years of whining about paying off student loan debt.