Humor

I guess the lesson is Upper Peninsula hipsters, while rare and hard to find, are life-savers. Find them, and be their friend.

Onion: First Flag Made by Betsy Ross Actually Shirt Made for Gay Friend

July 4, 2012July 3, 2012Matthew L.M. Fletcher

From the Onion:

Nathaniel, whose bold sartorial choice became the enduring symbol of America.

Salon: Muppet Theory and the Supreme Court

June 9, 2012June 8, 2012Matthew L.M. Fletcher1 Comment

Here. An excerpt:

Think about your basic Muppet workplaces: Be it “Pigs in Space,” Oscar’s garbage can, or producing a hit Broadway show in 19 hours, it’s always crucial to get the ratio of Order-to-Chaos exactly right. One possible explanation for the blossoming dysfunctionality of the current Supreme Court is that the Order Muppets have all but taken over. With exception of Justices Breyer and Antonin Scalia, the Order Muppets are running the show completely. (The jury is still out on whether Elena Kagan may prove a Chaos Muppet.) Remember the old rule of thumb: Too many Order Muppets means no cookies for anyone.

Onion: Native American Realtor Doesn’t Believe in Job

June 6, 2012June 6, 2012Matthew L.M. Fletcher

Here.

It’s hit and miss, but the best line is that sales have been slow at his office.

McSweeney’s: Supreme Court Can’t Agree on Lunch

March 30, 2012Kate Fort

Here.

It is therefore with great solemnity that we hand down the majority opinion in the case of Domino’s v. That One Greek Place Over on N Street.

There are meritorious arguments for both proposals. Pizza, as some members of the Court have contended, is a lunch cuisine with deep foundations in the history of the United States Supreme Court’s break room kitchenette. Further, our unanimous opinion in Domino’s v. Sbarro, 540 U.S. 891 (2003), stands for the proposition that Domino’s never skimps on the toppings, and that their Cinna Stix are pretty good too, especially if you eat them when they’re still warm.

While those Justices in favor of that Greek joint have argued that Gyros are, in many respects, way tastier than pizza (see Scalia, J., dissenting, infra), they have failed to cite to any relevant Federal Statutes or Law Review articles for support. As another matter, the Court isn’t even sure whether the Greek place will deliver all the way to the Supreme Court Building—and Breyer is the only Justice with a car, and he doesn’t really feel like driving.

Onion: The Supreme Court Reverses “Right vs. Wrong”

January 18, 2012January 18, 2012Matthew L.M. Fletcher1 Comment

Here.

An excerpt:

WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S. Supreme Court on Wednesday overturned Right v. Wrong.

The landmark reversal—a bitterly contested 5-4 decision that has been widely praised by murderers, rapists, bigots, usurers, and pro-wrong advocates nationwide—nullifies all previously lawful forms of right and makes it very difficult for Americans to make ethical decisions or be generally decent human beings without facing criminal charges.

“It is the opinion of this court that the Constitution was crafted in such a manner as to uphold and encourage practices that are not right and, ideally, are very wrong,” Justice Antonin Scalia wrote for the majority, which also included Justices Clarence Thomas, Samuel Alito, Anthony Kennedy, and John Roberts. “Despite the compelling case for goodness, truth, and justice made by our predecessors in the case of Right v. Wrong, we firmly believe that malice, dishonesty, and injustice were the framers’ original intent.”

Texas History Textbook Changes

April 4, 2010Matthew L.M. Fletcher1 Comment

From the Onion:

Texas’ New Textbooks

Because of a belief that academia skews too far to the left, the Texas Board of Education voted 10 to 5 in favor of buying history and social studies textbooks that adhere to a more conservative ideology. Here are some of the changes they are mandating:

Inserting paragraph clarifying that the poor guy Rosa Parks wouldn’t give up her seat for was on crutches and really needed to give his dogs a rest; also, he later died
More focus on civic issues, particularly the separation of church and infidel
Discussion of the debate between liberal and conservative geologists about what constitutes an “igneous” rock
Tamping down traditional pro-Stalin stance
Special ethnic world history appendix
Expanded section on Latino contribution to American landscaping
Dividing number of Vietnamese civilian casualties by two due to their small stature
Christopher Columbus was for lower taxes but all the Native Americans he encountered wanted to do was spend, spend, spend